TORCHIERE, lady. TORCHIERE.

I received a note the other day from a coworker about some chick who had bought a lamp at our store, but when she got the lamp home, there was no harp included in the box.

Huh.

Funny thing is, when I package things up for people to take home with them, I include EVERYTHING.

And since I never came across a random, lonely lamp harp…that meant everything was included in the box.  Because if I had left something behind, I would have found it on the packing table 3 minutes after the customer had left.  Guaranteed.

SO, I didn’t understand this woman’s complaint, figuring she just hadn’t looked through the box well enough.

And I waited for her call.

A day later she calls back.

She has no harp, she has no harp, how is she supposed to put the lamp together if she has no harp?

Yes, yes, yes, she went through all the packing materials, all of them, tore apart the box, went through it piece by piece.

No harp, no harp, no harp.

As she blathers on, I’m wracking my brain to figure out what may have happened to the harp (it MUST be MY fault, right?), and all I can think of is that in the previous three weeks I had only sold a torchiere.

Well, when did she buy the lamp?

Almost three weeks ago, three weeks, three weeks, three weeks, she did, she did, she did.

I get very quiet.

And my blood pressure slowly rises.

“Was it a TORCHIERE you bought?”

Yes, yes, yes.  A torchiere.

A TORCHIERE.

A TORCHIERE! 

I’m very confused at this point.  She had pointed out the torchiere she wanted, I took it right off the floor…had she not REALIZED it was a TORCHIERE?

Well, wait, she must have…because she JUST SAID…it was a torchiere.

A TORCHIERE.

“Well, torchieres don’t come with harps.”

Awkward silence.

Huh?

“TORCHIERES don’t come with HARPS.”

Well, how is she supposed to put the lamp together?  How, how, how?

I think I slapped myself in the forehead at this point.

It’s a TORCHIERE.  Does she just think it’s a FLOOR LAMP?

IS SHE TRYING TO PUT THE SHADE ON UPSIDE DOWN?!

If you have a TORCHIERE…what good is a HARP going to do?  Are you going to jam the thing into the top of the torchiere as a HOOD ORNAMENT of sorts?  Or are you going to jam it into the bulb socket, attach the shade UPSIDE DOWN, leaving no room for the bulb (because the harp is jammed in there) and then…OH WAIT!  Where’s the flippin’ FINIAL?!  THEY DIDN’T INCLUDE THE FINIAL EITHER!!!

ARE YOU FREAKIN’ SERIOUS?

Dear Heavenly Father…

GIVE.  ME.  PATIENCE.

OF.  A.  SAINT.

I explain to her how to get her shade unto her flippin’ TORCHIERE…

Which she follows up with, “Well, I don’t have the lamp here so I don’t know what you’re talking about, so if I’m still confused can I call you back tomorrow to have you walk me through it?  Can I, can I, can I?”

WALK YOU THROUGH WHAT?

That’s like asking me to help you pour a glass of milk.

PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY PEOPLE.

And it’s NOT because I work in a lighting gallery.

How, how, HOW….

Do some people get themselves dressed in the mornings?